Genni Bitchface

WHY IS IT SO HARD FOR MY MOTHER TO JUST LET US HAVE A NORMAL FUCKING RELATIONSHIP I DON'T GET IT.

Anyone ever have those days where absolutely EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD pisses you off and makes you want to set everything on fire???? I'm having one of those days. FUCK.

Christina officially quit yesterday. I am listening to Heat Machine right now (yes I listen to my own band, fuck off) and I am seriously near tears. I cannot believe how incredibly lucky I am. Not just with getting back into my band but with everything. But mainly that. I just have this feeling way down at the bottom of my heart and gut that things are actually going to happen for us. My wildest dreams don't seem so wild anymore. The fact that I am leaving in 9 days to tour the East Coast with my best friends in the world, whilst doing what I am most passionate about and in love with....it does not seem real at all. But it is and that is just absolutely beautiful. NOTHING else matters right now. I have thrown myself into this head first since Nick first called me back in May. No one really understands how hard I have prayed and wished for this. No one. It's so surreal that I've been given a second chance. For the first time in my life I really feel like I'm involved in something that was just meant to be.

On a more light-hearted sidenote, my car got rear-ended while sitting outside my house the other day... Long story short, Ron Burgandy is kinda totaled :( BUT... bright side to this situation is that State Farm is buying him from me for $1300!!! That doesn't sound like a lot but I am going to be able to get a decent ride with that money, and might also have some left over for tour. Lemme hear you say FUCK YEAH! Only downside is that I have to clean him out TODAY and it's over 9000 degrees outside... Oh well. I am going to miss that car though... RIP, sweet prince.

So yesterday we had band practice, sans Nick because he's still on tour with JVA, and it was bleeding hot so afterwards we decided to sneak into a pool somewhere... First I had to buy a swimsuit at Target because I haven't bought one in like 3+ years... And I got this gem for 8 FUCKING DOLLARS, NO JOKE:


So so so perfect for me. 8 bucks? God what a steal. So yeah, the pool was fun. We tried to make tidal waves by flapping our arms underwater like lunatics and it actually worked pretty well... We also tried to create a whirlpool by running around in a circle in the shallow end, and there were like 10 of us and it actually worked. So fun. It was so nice to just let loose and not give a shit about how I look for once. Oh yeah and I played 34958340583 games of Chicken with Meg and everyone else and my thighs are screaming at me today. Love it.

Oh yeah, I have bronchitis but I am getting better. Look how big the pills I have to take are though:

Grossssss luckily I'm feeling a lot better though. I should be fine before we take off for tour.

Well, this was long and probably unnecessary. I like LiveJournal again, though. It's a good place to vent.
I'm off to go clean out Ron Burgandy... I wonder how many Red Bull cans I'm going to find?

Yeah... if I could stop having dreams about having a kid, that would be totally okay with me.... Jesus.

I realize a lot of time has passed but I will never understand how people can just throw their friends away so easily. I guess I'm the only one who values memories anymore. Fuck it.

"If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it's yours."

This saying has never made more sense to me than it does right now. Things may have fallen apart for me for awhile, but they are finally falling back into place and I have never been more optimistic and convinced that my dreams can and will come true. My life is becoming more and more epic by the minute... and I love it.

My life has taken the biggest turn possible...I keep expecting to wake up and it's just not happening. I'm crossing my fingers and putting my faith in God again that none of this is a dream. I was wrong... things always do seem to work themselves out. I'm well on my way to feeling whole again.

My annoyance level is over nine-THOUSAAAAAAAAAAND right now. Everything is just making me want to punch babies and drown children, fuck. I need to just go home and play with my pets and go to bed but I have to go to the JVA show and actually mingle and I just have a feeling tonight is going to be one of those nights when I snap at someone without trying to disicnbgoibhghifgbnidfnbsgh. I have been in such a bad mood for the last week and I have no idea what's causing it ugh. Dies.

Guess who got a job at Granite City :) Let's just hope it goes better than my last job... What a wreck. I think it'll be good, though... The manager and staff seem super chill and super fun... Gah. Stoked.

They never kept a watchful eye on the intentions of her mind
With a mask to hide the danger that lives inside
When they all dropped like flies
it was laid before her eyes
That self-loathing always makes for the very best company

And she crawled into a glass of champagne
but the only thing to celebrate was every last mistake
and for a second of her life, she had no one else to blame
For her desolate existence and decisions she had made
But it's nothing her vices can't change
Anyway

Sixteen years they came and gone and she
felt she'd done no wrong
to the one she'd claimed to love
even more than God above
But with every slamming door
and gauntlet thrown to the floor
she had burned herself a bridge
too impossible to ignore

And she crawled into a glass of champagne
but the only thing to celebrate was every last mistake
and for a second of her life, she had no one else to blame
For her desolate existence and decisions she had made
But it's nothing her vices can't change
Anyway

If she accepts her imminent end
due to violent trends
will the ones who knew her best
finally find a way to mend?

Cause she crawled into a glass of champagne
but the only thing to celebrate was every last mistake
and for a second of her life, she had no one else to blame
For her desolate existence and decisions she had made
Cause she crawled into a glass of champagne
but all she had to celebrate was a memory that wouldn't fade
But it's nothing her vices can't change
But it's time she learned to change

NEW PHONE NUMBER NEW PHONE NUMBER NEW PHONE NUMBER NEW PHONE NUMBER NEW PHONE NUMBER NEW PHONE NUMBER NEW PHONE NUMBER NEW PHONE NUMBER NEW PHONE NUMBER NEW PHONE NUMBER NEW PHONE NUMBER

402 201 3520

My mom called me at 3am just to accuse me of sleeping with her husband. Hold on... hold on...


WHAT THE FUCK?!

Honestly are things ever going to go right for me again?

My mom is pregnant again..............haha.

I've been having a really hard time with being single lately. I have absolutely no idea why this sudden tidal wave of emptiness has swept over me. I've been single for quite a long time... I'd guess about a year and a half now, at least, and it's never really bothered me this much before.

I've maintained the notion for awhile that men have only used me for physical purposes in the past, and it never occurred to me until recently that I'm part of the problem. Yes, guys do use me, but only because I let them. Why do I let them if I hate it so much? Because I can't stop clinging to the blind hope that maybe - just maybe - one of these charming men will turn a 360 and actually look deeper than what's painted on my skin. And what's more, maybe they'll fall in love. But alas, it turns out I'm the only one who ever has feelings of actual substance. I've been in the position where I had honestly fallen bum over noggin for someone who - unbeknownst to me - was only interested in being with me physically, and I went all fucking out for him without even thinking about it. Love makes you do really stupid things. I did some stupid things, thinking it would finally earn me a meaningful relationship, but in the end I walked away with empty hands and an equally empty heart. Why do I never see these things coming?

Moving back into my old skin has removed me from the Genevieve that lived in Chicago. What has been scaring me is that I feel like there's this huge grey area in between who I was before I moved, who I became when I lived there, and who I am now; like I don't fit into the past me or the present me. In a sense, I feel as though I hardly can recognize myself. I dress differently, I act differently, I get upset easier... And I don't value myself as a person as much as I used to. I blame that entirely on the fact that Heat Machine doesn't want me back, but we won't get into that. The fact that I base my worth solely on whether or not I'm in a decent band with people who've made a name for themselves on their own is entirely ludicrous but it's still taking a toll on my self esteem and I can't make it stop. Maybe that's why I've stopped caring who wants to use me for what anymore; I'd rather be something to a few people than nothing to everyone, I guess. No... That sounds way more pessimistic and pathetic than I meant for it to sound, but if you're reading this then you obviously know me better than to think I've turned into a shameless slut because of my low self-esteem. Nothing of the sort has happened, I've just made some really bad decisions that I never would have made 7 months ago and I just wonder where that version of myself went.

A lot of my family has been turning on me, and as far as my friends go, everything feels about the same, except for my old band. They treat me entirely differently and it's killing me but what can you do about it? My family is disappointed in me and they go out of their way to make sure I know it. My mom and I have a gigantic wall between us and I can't see us climbing over it anytime soon, if ever. I feel like a failure and I think the reason why I've become so upset with my relationship status is because I don't have anyone to tell me "you're not a failure, I love you no matter what you do with your life, whether you're a rock star or not," etc.

Nick wrote a song for Heat Machine about the situation I mentioned earlier, and although I was a little shit-housed when I read it, thinking back on it... it makes perfect sense. It basically talks about how said douche bag is a hot item and he can effortlessly score any piece of ass he wants, and in this case, he chose to prey on me and I bought into it because I was just looking for affection and attention that I never seemed to be getting from anyone else. But it goes on to say, basically, that this guy is a super hotshot, but "more than one boy wants me all the time" so the joke is basically on him. I don't know. It didn't make sense to me at the time but I understand it now. Although, trust me, I never feel like I'm in demand. EVER. Even when I was in THM I never felt like there were 39058934085940 guys falling all over me all the time. But it's become clear to me that I do have the power to snag nearly any guy I want. I might have to try really really hard but from my experiences I usually get what I want. So why am I so unhappy? If I have my options, why am I even bitching about the fact that no one views me as girlfriend material? I'm picky. I'm guarded. I'm jaded by past events and would rather marry a fucking lamp than ever go thru that kind of rejection again. I'm paranoid. I don't know. I don't know why I can't just settle down and be HAPPY.

This must sound a lot more desperate than I actually am. In all reality, I've learned to be self-sufficient and to not need to rely on someone else for my happiness. I think I have just spent so much time alone in the past 6 months that I'm tired of falling asleep by myself, and I'm tired of only being viewed as a piece of ass and not for the good that I have to give. I know it's in there somewhere. I just wish someone would get curious enough to dig it out and keep it out.

I got a job at The Cup! Yay!

Guess who's going to see MORRISSEY twice in one week? :) That's right, ME.

Joel Anderson. Tatu Tattoo, Chicago.

I'm moving back to Lincoln.